The realization....
that you have no friends and never had friends. cuz tht one preson you called a friend, she was never your friend. she was never your lover. she was never anything for me.

Good riddance.

Facebook makes me sad.

Everybody on there having a blast. Everyone being depressed. Everyone claiming to be so alone yet so clearly loved.

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

And thats how its always been.

I wont always be this way. im changing. im becoming better. ive reached the point where i dont know what to do. all i know is i hurt and i dont want to hurt anymore. i dont want to feel alone and unwanted. i dont want to feel like noone likes me, that im not fun, that im socially awkward. i dont want to feel like im less than others, which is how i feel. id rather not feel at all then feel this.

Im so tired of being walked all over. it isnt fair. you see me, i see you, yet if I dont move, YOU will barge into me. How in the world is that fair?

And im always the one to apologize. Im not apologizing anymore. bitches better move outta my way for now on.

Fuck the world. kill them all.

Merry Christmas, From No one
I hate my life. I always have. Whenever I think it can't get any worse the universe proves me wrong. It's christmas time. And I am alone. I think I would rather be in Monterey County Jail then in this hell hole with these people I hate.

You make me feel like I am nothing. You enrage me. I just want to break your stupid face. You tell me I am wrong for the way I feel about these people. I am wrong. I am always wrong. ALways, right? I am irrational, spiteful, immature. We can tack on useless, worthless, stupid, a tweaker.

I want to die. I dont want to live in this world anymore. I give up. It means nothing. Family means nothing, love (which doesnt exist) means nothing, I mean nothing, you mean nothing. THere is nothing surrounding my nothingness and my world is empty, cold and black.

I thought you could help me feel like a person again. I thought you could bring the life back, the joy back, but you cant. You helped take what little i had left.

You were supposed to make me feel better. You were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to understand. But whenever I need you the most, you arent there. You're off doing something else for someone else. You cant see how I really feel. You dont believe me half the time I tell you how I really feel. You just want to know where its coming from. Does it matter where its coming from? It could have been from yesterday or 5 years ago or from when I was a small child. Do I seriously need a reason to feel the way I do? Do i need to explain everything to you? You dont explain anything to me. Hardly ever do I get the full truth out of you.

You tell me all we have is each other but that is a lie. You have so much more than I ever had. You do not understand what it is like to be so alone. To truly have no one to turn to. To have no one to tell me that I am ok. I am something. No one tells me they are proud of me. No one appreciates anything I do/did for them. All any one sees is my fuck ups. So that must be all I am, a fuck up, a nothing, a nobody.

And thats how I feel about myself on a daily basis. That is what the world has taught me.

Dearest Hoseph

Hello, love.

I'm a bit drunk. And I was thinking, it's going to be an absolute mess when we finally are together. For some reason I am passive with you. I now to your wishes far to easily. It's not ok, it's not me. Some people tell me I shouldn't change for you but to be honest... How can I not? Nothing has ever worked before and I love you so much, it's you and only you that I want so that means I must make it work, right?

I'm a drunk. I told you I had almost quit drinking... Well, I had but remember I am a binger. Lol. So... Here's my binge and it's days before I see you again. Jesus. I may se you tomorrow. I may be sleeping in your arms tomorrow night. Feels like forever since we got married, doesn't it? I guess the marriage has changed me more than I realized. I'm.... More willing to change for you than ever before.

"I can't take on the pressure sober. I can't make it go away" sympathetic- seether

I miss you, Hoseph. Sometimes I wonder if that's enough for you. Sometimes I wonder if that's enough for me. Hell, nothing makes me happy. But you did, once upon a time. I have to believe that you can continue making me happy. I... I really think that you are the one and only. I could possibly find happiness other places but this wholeness that I feel when next to you? No, not ever. Serio. I want to be the best I can, for you and only you. I want to make you happy. I want to give you color and texture. I want you to forget the rest.... I want to take your nightmares away.
I want to make you happy and content, no regrets.

I've failed you, dear. In the worst way. It eats me up every night. Dream after dream and it's all my doin. No wonder my paranoia is out of control. I drink to forget and drinking is getting me in more trouble.... Perhaps you could do better than me.... But please, don't you ever leave me. I need you, Joe. I love you, I really love you, foreversies.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dearest joe

I'm reading these posts and I'm wondering whether or not I should edit some of them... Or delete them, or maybe make them extremely private. But than I wouldn't be being very honest, would I? However, you aren't very honest either. And these are important to me. I write them because I need an outlet, a safe outlet, but I fear this journal is no longer safe. Nothing in my life is private anymore and it's making me paranoid and I'm beginning to unravel. Paranoia never felt so real. Is it because I have a genuine reason to feel this way? Idk, but I am losing it day by day. Hour by hour. Going out into public never seemed so menacing.

I had more thoughts but they seem to have run away. Maybe they weren't thoughts, just emotions and now I want a drink. I'm shutting down. Any emotion I get is short lived, alcohol or no.

What will happen when we are together again? I'm a mess, a wreck. Will having you again make me whole? Or is it too late, can we stop this domino effect? Idk darling dearest but... I just do not know anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dearest hoseph

I am suffocating.
I am drowning.
I am dying.

The insomnia, paranoia, hallucinations... I am going insane. This must be why they call it a nervous breakdown. I swear I wasnt always this crazy yet here I am...insane.

And its all your fault. youre the reason I'm dreaming every night... Dreams of confrontations, dreams of you, always you! I am so sick of seeing you in my dreams.

God, I miss you. I need you. Please, come home soon...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dearest Hoseph

Hello, love. I wonder, will you read these? Will I show you to read these?

My mind, my mind is circling, I an suffocating, I am drowning. Alone. I am alone and I am crumbling.

To be strong is to move on, move forward, forget, let go. No. I cannot, I will not. Not with out you, I can't live with out you. I am dying, I need you. I'll do what I got to do to keep you, even this atrocious and stupid half baked plan we've got brewing. Fuck us. Just fuck us, that is what the universe says. Ths universe is spitting on us, since the very beginning! FUCK YOU UNIVERSE! FUCK! YOU!

There, hows that? Crazy? Yes, yes I am. A little more every day, the marbles are rolling away. Unstable, I am. I'm sorry, Joe. I can not imagine I'd be much use to you like this. I need to stop and pull myself together... But I am not ready, we are ill prepared. What kind of chance do we have? Not much of one, not looking good, my love. Failure is imminent. Prison is imminent, lonliness will kill our fragile, bleeding hearts.

I love you. I wasn't to be with you always. I'm scared to get you back just to lose you. I'm scared. I don't want you to go away, not ever. Please, stay. Just stay.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Dearest Hoseph

Ahh, love. Things are so uncertain, aren't they? I bet you are wondering what I am doing... WHO I am doing. You are wondering whether or not to continue on with this marriage but we know you will. There is something that is keeping us tied together, what that is, I do not know. Don't you think I want to leave you? Continue on with my life as it should be lived, not as this. Cuz this sucks. I am in love with a man that I cannot have. Wasn't that always so? Haha, my track record with love is miserable at best. But I miss you. I wish you were here.

And I only married you to keep you. To tie you to me so that you couldn't leave me.

I've been drinking. I'm waiting for your phone call. I'm waiting for the scathing remarks and bitter comments. Bring it on, baby. You ain't the first. Just wish you'd let it out. Bet you'd feel a million times better. Perhaps I have to egg you on. I'm pretty good at that shit. Did it with art for many years. I stopped, I worked on myself and learned to control my mouth but at this point I don't see anything changing unless I fight back...

There's an issue. I had an epiphany last night.... I'll be what I've ways hated to be with you. I'll listen, I'll follow your every command, I'll lose myself to keep you happy. Something I've never done with anyone... I'm losing myself in you.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

(no subject)

It's been awhile since I've updated this journal, so much going on all at once. I'm getting married to a Mr. Joseph Panza. We're actually going through with it, whoa. Tomorrow probably. Hopefully tomorrow, I'd like my mother to be there.

Every one thinks this is a Bit insane but I really can't blame them. Joe and I have physically known each other for about two weeks now. Spent 5 months writing each other in jail though. And that's what kicked it all off. I always knew there would only be one person in this whole world for me, it's joe. He gets me. He compliments me in ways no one ever has, except corrie, but she never complimented me in quite the same way as he does. To put it simply, he is my second half. I'm real big on balance and what not.

I knew he was the one. I told corrie. I didn't think it would work as smoothly as it has though. When do I ever get what I want? NEVER! And now I'm going to marry the man I love. It's absolutely insane. I'm in love, me, Nikki. I don't do love. I've been labeled heartless for a reason. I was heartless, I didn't believe in love. Especially not love for me. Especially reciprocated love. But joe loves me. I can see it. He gets real sad looking. I know that look, I wear it often. But I don't think I ever do around him. I'm real bad at expressing myself. It was an issue in the beginning but I got real comfortable real fast. We don't have much time, everything has to go quickly.

I didn't want to sleep with him yet , but it seems I'm not going to have much if a choice. Gotta consummate our marriage. And it's not that I didn't want to sleep with him cuz I do, I'm just not ready for it yet.

Ready or not, here it comes!

I hope my mother can make it. I don't see why not. It's going to be tomorrow afternoon, hopefully later In the afternoon. Gonna borrow some of my mothers clothes so I don't look like a complete bum. I know joe is gonna dress up a bit too. Ugh. I hate dressing up but we're getting married and it'll be the first time I meet his mother... Who bought a camera just for the occasion, joy. But hey, we'll want them later. I know I'm going to want them once joe goes to program... Which is Wednesday. FML. And I go to Arizona on Friday.

Nikki Panza. Nicole Panza. Whoa. Crazy? Freaking out yet!?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

(no subject)

Well fuck all of you. Cuz when I needed you before I had no one, and all of a sudden I have more than I need. I don't been NO ONE, I don't need ANY INE, fuck you! Ok? FUXK YOU, I can take care of myself. It doesn't matter that I want someone,it doesn't matter how sure I am that you are my one, I don't need you. I'll be ok, please. Please, justeave me alone and let me die, I just want die

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Dearest Joe

Today was great. I've never walked all over Monterey like that and finding those hidden "secret" gardens was great too. I don't think I'm as comfortable with you as you are with me, but I'm getting there. I'll admit that it still sorta freaks me out that you touch me... But it's not just cuz I don't like to be touched. I've never felt this from anyone before. When you play with my hand it gives me the chills. When you play with my hair, my breath catches. I don't know what to make of this. It's all so new to me.

And Baby, your eyes are blue enough for me. I like the way you look at me, I like the way you touch me. I like you a whole lot. Just about everything too. But there are still some things that sound those alarms. But it's ok, I've decided that you will be worth the pain.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


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